You Saw Her First
by damoon
Summary: Lancelot reflects about Gwen and Arthur


You saw her first.

You saw her first and you fell instantly.

It was not because she was beautiful or anything. It was more than that. It was because she was everything else besides. Her smile was what did for you. Then it was her gentleness and her subtleness and her modesty. You were worried at first because it seemed she fancied the one who saved you. The one who was magical and spirited and in a strange way, was almost just like her, only a little more awkward.

You ask him, "You and her, you're not..." and you move your hands just so, to indicate what you mean because though you fancy her and want to get to know her, you would not want to intrude if your new friends were something more.

But your friend grins and he tells you they are just friends. And you sigh because well... now you have a chance.

***

They help you become something you've always wanted to be but knew could never achieve because you were not born of nobility. You are nothing but someone whose dreams were too big. But still... they help you all the more. The magical one insisted you had to prove the Prince wrong, explaining to you that you are good enough to be a knight. Noble or not. At first you were not convinced. You've always prided yourself for being honest and good.

But your friend was convincing, especially when he smiled that mischievous smile and his eyes were too full of hope...

It somehow worked though.

Even if it only lasted for a little while.

***

"Tell me," asked the Prince. "Do you think her beautiful?"

The Prince was talking about someone else entirely but in your mind he meant _her_ because she was the only one in your mind who lighted up the whole room. The one you were sure, had no clue how captivating she really was.

You saw her first.

You wanted to make sure she knew how admirable she was because she gave off such enviable light. Does she not know that? When you kissed her hand and called her "My Lady" she looked embarrassed.

In your mind you wanted to say, "You are beautiful, do you not know that? You're wonderful and good and when you smile it makes me feel like I could live another day. I do not think you realize that do you, My Lady? You are beautiful because you're you."

She would probably think it as a bunch of nonsense but it was all true. You've only just met her but you know she's everything you've always wanted.

But being a fallen knight wasn't exactly what you planned. You had not wanted her to see you as one. A fallen knight was not worthy of her. And so you leave a great kingdom to prove yourself worthy. You leave her because one day, you'll come back. She gave you inspiration. She believed in you. And you hope she has not forgotten you.

***

Your optimism however, faltered not long after. How can you come back for her when you have nothing to offer? You wonder how you got this way... You wonder; "Will I ever see her again? The one who gave me hope."

Then, as soon as you thought you've already drowned and had nothing to live for... there she was. Right in front of you. Captured and imprisoned and the only thing you can think about was to save her and set her free.

You tell her everything that's happened to you because she asked. You tell her the honest truth about how you've fallen to dismay but even though she was behind those bars, afraid, and hurt that no one from the kingdom has come for her, she still manages to give you hope when it should have been the other way around.

You've never forgotten about her. You tell her with words you didn't even know existed in your mind about how you feel. You don't even think about it because you mean every word. You are willing to give up your own life for her because she was worth so much more. She had so much faith, so much heart and when you try to think of even one flaw that she possesses, the only thing you can decipher was that she still did not know she was worth it.

You were prepared to die for her.

***

When she had gotten captured again she had apologized. Why? Because she had failed to escape and in turn had failed you? She was always her, even on the brink of death. It could have been the end for both of you and you would have been happy. You were both prepared for the end...

But... out of nowhere...

The Prince appeared.

The Prince who said he was there to save her.

You weren't seeing things. You tried to figure it out in your mind but you had to ask. Why was it only the Prince and your old friend who came to her rescue?

"Where are your knights?" you ask the Prince.

"It's just us," the Prince, answered.

There was something strange about that answer, you think. There was something strange about the silence inside that cave because when you offered your hand for her and she smiled sadly up at you, the look on the Prince's face alone was something you could not miss or pretend not to see.

"I'm surprised you would undertake such a rescue mission, just the two of you," You say out of curiosity.

"My father would not risk the lives of his knights for a servant," the Prince answered looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

"But yet you came anyway," You went on.

You watch the Prince. You see how his mouth contorts to sadness and rejection and then the way he tries to hide it with a small smirk. "Truth is... I only came because Morgana begged me."

You are not blind. You see the look of hurt and regret on the Prince's face as soon as those words had spilled out of his mouth. You did not even have to look at her to feel how much it must have hurt to hear the Prince explain that the only reason he rescued her was because someone had begged him to.

You are not blind. You are old enough to know that some words are meant to hurt and some are meant to hide from but the look on the Prince's face told you more than enough to figure out what he could not say. It was the same with her. She had tried to hide it with her silence but her eyes could not lie. You are not blind. It was too obvious.

And somewhere, deep within you... you break a little too.

Because you are not blind and they revealed to you what they could not reveal to each other.

The Prince's love for her was painfully obvious. His whole face was an open book. Does she not see it? Or does she still pretend that she is nothing more than a servant?

You stand a few feet away, trying to keep a look out while they sleep. You think about everything that's happened so far. You can still feel her kiss. You can still feel her touch on your skin. You can still hear her voice telling you that you are full of hope. She told you her feelings for you would never change... but how could you compete? The Prince or you? Why on earth would she ever pick you? You who gave up on hope so easily until she told you otherwise.

You saw her first though. You saw her for her. You had fallen for her because she was always herself.

But how can you compete with a Prince?

So you do the only thing you think is right.

You set her free and leave. After all, why would she go with you?

But one day, when you gain more confident, when your heart repairs itself just a little, when you think you can be what she saw in you... one day, maybe you'll come back and maybe you can allow yourself to compete.

Because after all...

You saw her first.


End file.
